The Meaning of Love

I asked a friend if I could borrow his post so that I could get a reaction from the "non-myspace crowd". But I, also, am very curious to see what others have to say.

Today, for some reason, I felt the urge to think about love. What is romantic love? Is it something magical? Is there one person in the world that each of us is destined to find? What makes it so special?

Well, here's my take.

Friendship + Sexual Attraction = Romantic Love

Let me explain. Both friendship and attraction are required for the development of romantic love. It could be that, over time, you become sexually attracted to one of your good friends. But more commonly (especially for the guys, I think), you know right away that you are attracted to the girl, and romantic love blossoms as the friendship grows.

I believe that this has surprising implications. Obviously, this view denies that there is anything magical, spiritual, or foreordained about love. It is an entirely human condition with no supernatural explanation needed.

It also implies that in a long relationship, love can wither either through loss of friendship or attraction. Though rare, it seems at least possible that a relationship could continue after loss of friendship if the sexual attraction is strong enough. Much more commonly, though, sexual attraction is lost first, but the relationship stays strong because the bond of friendship remains. I believe that many mature marriages fall into the category of friendship rather than full romantic love.

More controversially, this view accepts the possibility that someone could truly and wholeheartedly love many people at the same time.

So, where does this leave marriage? Before I asked Diane to marry me, I asked myself, "Is she the one for me?" According to this analysis, that is precisely the wrong question to ask. There is no "The One." There are potentially many (and perhaps none) that would be compatible with someone for a lifetime. This leads us to the scandalous implication that polyamory (literally, "many loves") is a perfectly legitimate expression of human feeling.

[Frankly, this belief bothers me a little, and I think it bothers Diane more than a little. This belief leaves out a proper account of jealousy. Evolutionarily, we are a predominantly monogamous species. It is natural for us to feel jealousy when we sense that our partner is attracted to someone else. Is it possible for humans to overcome the predisposition to jealousy? Or are we so hard wired that it cannot be avoided? Is the liberal/hippie ideal of "free love" ultimately incompatible with human nature?]

So...am I on to something here? Or is my point of view undermined because its implications are so radical? Come on, everyone has an opinion about love. Let me hear yours!

Well...